


Hey there, demons (It's me, ya boi)

by Darksideous



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Demons, Explicit Language, Five just wants his cup of coffee, Gen, God - Freeform, Let Number Five | The Boy Say Fuck, Protective Siblings, Supernatural Elements, Though it's just curse words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:27:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28608249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darksideous/pseuds/Darksideous
Summary: A coffee run turns for the worst when Klaus and Five run into a demon.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 3
Kudos: 80





	Hey there, demons (It's me, ya boi)

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this when I should be sleeping so I can drag my butt early to a job I loath. 
> 
> Sorry for mistakes in advance. Also, it's my first fic so please be a bit gentle.
> 
> No beta we die like Ben.

Klaus winced feeling the scolding that the barista was receiving from his smallest brother. If it was anything to go by, Klaus would need to make an entrance soon before things escalated further.

A sudden chill, a shadowy figure materialized beside him. Klaus rolled his eyes, patting down his coat for his pack of smokes. These ghosts had no concept of personal space and quality bro time.

"You shouldn't be here. It's not safe.” The ghost said, at least it tried through the heavy panting and gurgling of words being spit out through shredded vocal cords. Klaus groaned, hands fumbling his cigarette pack out. _God, this shit tick was getting old._ At least it was better than the usual screaming and crying mess.

The séance grimaced feeling the berating that the barista was on the receiving. They didn't get paid enough to deal with Five's tantrums.

"Leave." Klaus yelped, almost dropping his cigarettes as the ghost appeared directly in front of him. Quickly averting his eyes, Klaus pressed the back of his hand towards his mouth, forcing the bile to go back down. Hasty hands shoved the cigarette pack into his coat pocket. The distraction for a smoke was long gone.

Grotesque wouldn't even be able to describe this poor sucker. Puncture wounds riddled all over his body, and claw marks slashed across his face and throat, with only a socket remaining on one side along with mangled lips and with the tip of the nose cut off clean.

“Go. She's here.” the ghost gurgled, fresh blood dripping down the gashes. Klaus didn't need to be told twice.

Just as pushed himself away from the lamppost to go rescue the poor barista who was on the verge of tears, another barista with widened eyes thrusted the coffee cup at his brother. Five snapped his mouth shut and with one last penetrating glare to the two teens, he grabbed his cup and the other. The slam of the coffee shop door rattled as his brother made his way towards him with a permanent scowl.

Great, he would be on the receiving end of Five's ire once again.

“Here's your monstrosity.” Five's nose crinkled in disgust as he passed the extra whip cream caramel frappuccino to Klaus. His IBS was going to come at him with vengeance, but that would be a later problem.

Five furrowed his brows, glaring at Klaus' drink as if it personally offended him. “Don't blame me if you get diabetes. They got that crap correct but asking for extra hot black coffee is apparently too much for these simpletons. Who the fuck drinks decaf? That kills the purpose of coffee. Next time you're getting the drinks.”

Klaus took a big sip, instantly regretting it. Brain freeze wasn't fun. Five rolled his eyes taking a sip of his rancid coffee humming in content. No human should sound so pleased drinking something so dark and bitter.

Klaus held up his pointer finger. “First of all, I'm banned from that coffee shop as I told you before. Something about public indecency that I can't recall, their loss to be honest. Second, they got your order wrong, not mine, so don't blame me short stack and third, you'll get diabetes before me. Dont think I don't notice you inhaling all those disgusting fluffernutter sandwiches and eating all those candy bars that Allison bought while dearest Luther looked high and low for them in the kitchen.”

Five tilted his head, pursuing his lips. “I think I preferred you high.” Klaus snorted. Typical Five response when getting called out. _Feathers ruffled check_.

The séance yelped, almost drenching himself in the frappuccino. The mangled ghost appearing behind his brother. Five casted him a suspicious look.

“She's going to kill you like she killed me.” A sudden cold went up his spine and it wasn't from the frozen drink.

“We got to go home.”

“You can head back if you want. I can't see those idiots this soon." Five turned the opposite way from the academy and walked down the street.

The ghost gasped, remaining eye widening at the red-headed woman ahead. Blood profusely dripped down the deep wounds as the ghost shook place in terror.

Five was walking towards her without a care.

Throwing his drink into the trash can, he hastily made his way down the street, throwing his arm around his assassin brother's shoulder and spinning him around.

“You know if I didn't know that was your flopping footsteps, I would have broken your arm.” Five sneered pushing his brother off him. Klaus slapped his hands back in retreat before tugging his arm around him again.

“I could still break your arm if you'd like?” He glared with a sinister smile.

“That's great Five-o. Hey, you think you can teleport us home?” he tried to discreetly peer over his brother's shoulder.

“Not with my coffee, I won't. Why are you being shifty?” He glanced at Klaus up and down, eyebrows raised taking a sip of his coffee.

“Screw the coffee. C'mon, I'm always shifty.”

“Is it the red-headed woman? Do you owe her money?”

“Yes and no.”

“Klaus, what the hell is wrong with you?”

A sudden clack of heels made their presence known. “Excuse me, Klaus Hargreeves?”

The ghost whined like a wounded animal, trembling back, “You're dead” before vanishing away. Ok, that was never good. Ghost didn't just disappear cos their jimmies got rustled.

Five slapped his arm off and spun around with a wide grin with all teeth, the one that Klaus begged him to stop using in public "who wants to know?" He answered for his brother.

“My name is Lena Lacroix. I've heard so much about you.” a feral grin on her red lips.

Before Klaus could respond, Five stepped in front of him. “Let me guess; was it from drug dealers, alcoholics,or the homeless?”

Klaus would be hurt, if he didn't feel the sudden protectiveness from his smallest brother. Hurting words was just another way that Five showed love, and sometimes his other siblings didn't get that. Being alone in a wasteland for 45 years, he started relearning the person he once knew. Five could be vicious with words; whether to hurt to get a quick reaction or other times as a distraction.

Her faced scrunched up before a laughter broke out, "no, silly" her curls blowing in the wind " isn’t he the cutest thing?" Klaus latched onto Five’s shoulder, digging into the meat. _We should go. Now._

“Yes, he's just the sweetest thing. I would love to continue our chat, but it’s almost his bedtime and you know how kids get when they don’t get their full 8 hours of sleep."

"Oh, I don't want to take much of your time." Crossing her arms against her chest, before pointly looking at the séance. "I was just wondering how someone like you was able to meet Her when we have been trying for a millennia to find her."

Klaus froze.

Five shifted, features in a scowl. Taking a quick glance at Klaus still stature before glaring back at her. "Elaborate" he gritted.

She ignored him and grinned with all her pearly whites." You met Her."

_Well shit._

Klaus wasn't the one to dwell on life events but considering that he was dead for some time in purgatory it gave him time to think. He never believed in the hoopla of religion, good vs evil, angel vs demon, God vs Satan, so forth, but after being not so graced with God's presence, he had a rather enlightening talk with Ben. Go figure. And they had come to the conclusion that if there is a God then there is definitely its counterpart. Case in point.

"You haven't told him." Her eyes were gleaming, lips curling up.

Klaus gave a sharp laugh, pressing his hands against his sternum as if to dampen the sound of his fast beating heart, “ Linda, was it? I have no idea what you’re talking about and honestly, we are short on time right now, so you can send me a request letter to the academy. I'm assuming you know where I currently reside since you know me which is kinda creepy but also not surprising. Do that and I'll get back to you in about 20-30 business days” he waved his arm around.

“Is this another cult thing?” Five sneered. Eyes cold, fingers gripping tightly onto his coffee cup.

Klaus clapped his hands, "Sure, buddy. Let's go with that. You think after all this time they would have dispersed already, but looks like I have new recruits! They are relentless. C'mon, short stack I'll tell you all about it at home."

The girl snorted, taking another step forward, an arms reach away. Five never the one for intimidation, didn't move. Calculating all the ways to take this woman down if needed. Klaus however, was tugging at his shoulder. _Abort. Abort!_

She clicked her tongue." You know, rumors travel fast. That night at the club, a close friend of mine noticed your nasty spill. Disgusting really to crack your head on a club dance floor out of all places. Flat out embarrassing. One minute your dead and the next you miraculously spring back up."

Klaus grabbed Five from the bicep. Whatever this thing in front of them was way out of their league and if his smallest oldest brother didn't have such a huge ego, they'd be running right now.

Klaus groaned. "What you want me to turn water into wine next? Sorry, trying to stay sober for the kids-"

Her smile dropped, face set in stone, fists by her side. "I have a message for her."

Five's shoulders were taught, his stance widened. He was prepared for a fight. His coffee cup groaning as he tightened his grip around it. "What the fuck are you talking about for the last time?" He sneered, not one to repeat things twice.

_Shit. Shit!_

Five wanted to throw it down with this lady thing.

"Sounds great but I'm not exactly Hermes. I don't do the messenger thing." He tugged at Five's shoulder.

"I've grown tired of borrowing one useless vessel after another. Tell that bitch if she kills another one of my kin, to expect more of her precious humans to end up dead."

Klaus jaw dropped and from the corner of his eye, he could see a similar reaction from Five, the cogs whirring in place and clicking.

"Listen, your beef is with God, yah know the little girl riding around a bicycle and being a condensing little shit. You gotta take it up with her. I have nothing to do with your petty squabbles" he raised his hands in a placating way.

A murmured _oh fuck_ comes from his brother and if there wasn't a literal demon in front of them, Klaus would chastise him for his foul language.

"Are you fucking deaf? She's been avoiding us and you're the last human in centuries who has been in contact with her."

Klaus slapped a palm over his chest, "well aren't I the lucky girl? But there's a one huge glaring problem you see, I was dead when she graced me with her no good lousy presence. And as you can tell, I'm not exactly dead to play messenger. " He shrugged feigning in disappointment.

A dark chuckle escaped her lips, her iris suddenly coated all in pitch black. "That can be arranged."

In an instant she lunged, lips snarled back and arms ready to tear out vocal cords as she did with the earlier poor bastard before him. Klaus shrieked, throwing his arms in front of him as if that would protect him against a fucking demon of all things.

Five being quicker from the two, hurled his coffee towards her face and grabbed Klaus wrist.

A scream tore the street as time and space pulled apart in blue light as Klaus was spat out on the floor of the foyer in the academy.

Small warm hands pressed against his cheeks, dragging his attention to his smallest brother crouched in front of him, eyes wild and lips pulled into a thin line. Anger, worry and sadness radiating from his taught body.

Klaus was fucked.

His stomach protested the jump, but if he were to move now, Five would definitely stab him with the nearest object. His brother's frazzled state and the tremors from his hands is what held in place. Eyes widened like the day he fell out from the portal in the sky.

Five clenched his jaw, looking as old as he claimed. "Your going to tell me everything, and you better not leave a single thing out. From start to finish." his voice trembled at the end. His tone held no argument.

Klaus sighed, accepting defeat as he placed a gentle palm on top of Five's hand, nodding his head.

"Also, you owe me a cup of coffee."


End file.
